Okay I’m used to it, I suppose when you nonchalantly ghost people, you kind of deserve the abuse coming your way. I snickered. I felt bad but man, it felt good to be bad. I didn’t want to disappoint him, but at the same time, I couldn’t care less. Apathy, when you truly feel it in the core of your being, when it reverberates in your bones, when it’s the primary feeling you’re ruled by, well it’s a pleasant sensation, I’d have to admit. It feels good to not be tied to all these obligations. Like you’re nothing to me, why should I try to meet your expectations? But of course I wouldn’t say that, that would require a modicum of self-awareness, that I clearly do not possess. Or rather, I try to evade it, I try to stay within the limits of my own childish preconceptions. Certain things are beyond my grasp, like knowing what to say when you’ve clearly disappointed someone who was expecting an iota of reciprocity from you.
But I do not care. I try to ratiocinate every once in a while but the thing is, I just don’t care. It is perhaps the most sordidly pleasant feeling of all, when you can just douse all your misfortunes with levity. I don’t even have misfortunes anymore, I have coincidences. And I cannot say, where this equanimity stems from, I just know what perhaps, there’s a tiny cell in my brain working to make it happen, like full-blown not-giving-a-shitism. I want to live like that. I want to defy the matrix. Okay that was a bad analogy, I do not want conspiracy theorists or red-pilled spergs reading my blog.
It is interesting, in a sense, to broach this topic. Swami Vivekanda spoke of that united consciousness, you know this maze of souls, all interconnected, intertwined, feeding each other and off each other, unfurling a vast reality of which only humankind is aware. My god, what a load of bullshit. It is probably cynical of me to say but the distance is salient, and couldn’t be even more obvious. The way that everything you say is lobbed back at you with a question mark or an exclamation mark, just makes me think that perhaps, just perhaps, we don’t really give a shit about each other.