You want to know right? You’ve gone over it a few times, you came to the conclusion that your life might be more livable with a bit of spice and excitement. You acquainted yourself with nihilism and you’ve come to embrace the Absurdist philosophy. At the same time, you’re not really into your partner at the moment. You want to feel like you’re in love without really being in love, you want to indulge in the seduction game and get out of it posthaste, you want to have a one-night stand without all the histrionics that would naturally ensue. Here are 5 tips on how to cheat effectively…and get away with it.
1.Blend your shenanigans with your routine
Don’t go out of your way to make your partner feel special and loved. Like don’t do it. That will give it away. Instead, merge your cheating bouts with your routine. There’s a thing that’s coming up? Well don’t go to that thing and plan ahead. Your partner’s going to visit some relatives over the weekend? Seize the opportunity, my friend. Just go with the flow and if it gets kind of complicated, make up excuses that would seem natural.
So you’re horny on a Sunday afternoon but your boring boyfriend is lurking around your house. What do you do? You can’t just tell him you’re going shopping, he’s going to want to come along. After all, it’s a Sunday afternoon. What you could do instead (and it’s a genius advice), you could act prissy and stir up some shit that would make him not want to talk to you for a while. ”I’m PMSing, just leave me alone okay.”
I mean it would be easier to just break up with your partner but like, you know you can’t. So follow these golden rules.
2. Use your stupid brain
Okay, this is like the most important advice in this section. Know why you’re cheating. Like sit down with a notepad and write it all down. Aren’t you just wasting your time maneuvering behind their back when you could just dump them? It depends on the context, of course, let’s say, if you’re married, it’s a pretty dumb move. You’re putting everything on the line, son. Married people ought to think it through more than anyone else, because divorce is expensive and married people tend to over-dramatize everything. In that case, planning is everything. Just like you plan your chores, your errands, you’ve gotta plan that booty call way ahead of time. Just like leaving a reminder on the fridge for some boring shit would remind you of said shit, leave a mental note : ”Thursday, 2 p.m, fucking Karen for 3 hours, then need to pick kids up from their recital.”
3. Don’t get caught you idiot
Like, don’t fucking carry their underwear with you or write about how good the sex was on your stupid blog. If you do that, you’re a grade A moron who oughtn’t be getting laid, lest you would pass on those grade A moron genes to your stupid kid. Do not get caught. Plan ahead. If your partner brings up something out of the blue, feign outrage. Outrage is literally the easiest thing to act out, all you need to do is gasp like a goldfish and slam a door shut. That would get your partner thinking, ”Jesus what did I do. I shouldn’t have done that.” It’s also known as gaslighting, but you don’t care because you’re an asshole right.
4. Take a shower after fucking your side whore, you whore
You know how in movies, the first thing that gives it away is the perfume or the cheeky lipstick mark, well like, these movies are very prescient when it comes to the art of cheating. Most people know what a dick or a pussy smells like, and if you’re going home after sucking dick, you’re most likely gonna bring that smell with you. And if you’re gonna kiss your husband with that smell hanging all over you, well, you’re the kind of person Hitler would’ve euthanized. I’m not even kidding. Take a shower after you’ve done the deed, wash your sins and brush your teeth if you’ve gone down on your lover.
I don’t even know why this is even on the list, but not everyone is a good person I suppose.
5. Use email
Don’t text your side chick every 10 mins or so, if you’re gonna do that, you might as well get a divorce lawyer. Be smart about cheating, use a disposable email that you would use to set up booty calls, hotel trips, dinners-cum-fuckfests, you name it. In the end, it’s all about being careful about not being outed as a sex crazed fuckwit. You have a reputation you know, you are a human being. In our very conservative society, cheaters are akin to Satan’s stooges. So be careful about your sinful activities and don’t let your dick tear your family apart. That’s literally the stupidest thing ever. Who cries over someone’s dick?